


The Talk

by idwir



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-17 14:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14834117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idwir/pseuds/idwir
Summary: Ch. 1: Alfred wasn't born yesterday. (Lame, I know.)Ch. 2: Selina gets home and is greeted by Tabitha and Barbara.





	1. Chapter 1

He had gotten them both back. Alfred and Selina. Selina and Alfred. As he trudged into the kitchen past one of them, his thoughts were preoccupied with the other. He sat on his stool, staring out the kitchen window.

“Good morning, Master Bruce,” Alfred said. “You slept in a bit this morning, didn’t ya? Late night?”

Bruce took a sip from the mug in front of him and as Alfred’s words settled over him, he kept it in front of his face to hide his blush and collect his thoughts. Putting the mug down, he shrugged one shoulder. “Same old, Alfred. How did you sleep?”

Alfred placed a plate of eggs and bacon in front of him and pulled the dish towel off of his shoulder. “Not with a cheeky little minx in my bed, I’ll tell you that.”

He looked at him expectantly as he choked on his coffee. Bruce cleared his throat and coughed again. “Did you see her leave?” he asked once he caught his breath, forcing himself to meet his butler’s eyes and keep a neutral expression. “She was just really tired so I let her stay ...”

“In your bed?” Alfred pressed. Bruce tried to calm his racing heart. Panicking was not how you got away with a lie. “Why not in any one of the eight guest rooms?”

“We were talking pretty late into the night -”

“Ah, so that’s what you kids call it these days.” Alfred raised an eyebrow and his face burned as he realized he had been caught. “It must have been pretty late into the night since neither of you even stirred a bit when I came to wake you. Miss Kyle is usually a light sleeper.”

The door to the kitchen opened and Selina said, “Morning, boys.” She stole a piece of bacon off of Bruce’s plate and took a bite before saying, “Man, was it cold last night. I told Tabi not to forget to pay the heat bill -”

“He knows.” Bruce didn’t take his eyes off of Alfred’s smug face. Even though he’d been emancipated and had fired Alfred, Bruce couldn’t help but feel like Alfred was coming up with some big punishment.

Selina pointed her piece of bacon at Alfred. “What’d you see, old man?”

Alfred straightened, his hands behind his back. He looked down his nose at her. “I’d rather not say.”

Bruce groaned and covered his face. “Can we not?”

“I doubt either of you have had the Talk and you can bet I’ll be giving it to at least one of you,” Alfred said.

“I’m eighteen!”

“I’m gonna pass ...” Selina started backing away.

She reached the door and Alfred called, “I’ll be ringing your chaperone, young lady!”


	2. Chapter 2

Tabitha rolled her eyes. “They’re old enough,” she told the butler. “I’m not her mother. Selina can handle herself.” Without a goodbye, she hung up.

The door to the apartment she and Selina shared opened and Tabitha slammed her phone on the dining room table. “Selina!”

There was no answer. A blonde head peeked around the corner, wide smile and a crazy glint in her eyes.

“Nope.” Barbara popped the “p” and tilted her head. “You don’t sound very happy.”

“Well.” Tabitha shrugged. “I just got a call from Bruce Wayne’s butler. He demanded I give Selina the Talk.”

Barbara’s eyebrows went up. “Now why would he do that?”

She gave her an irritated once over, but answered, “Because he got an eyeful of Selina’s bare ass in Bruce’s bed this morning.”

“And you said?”

“Hell no! He doesn’t get to tell me what to do!”

The door opened again and Tabitha yelled, “Selina!”

Barbara sat, making herself comfortable. “Oh, this is going to be good.”

Tabitha shot her a look. Then Selina rounded the corner, looking bored with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

“Let me guess,” she said. “The old man called.”

“Sit down, Selina,” Tabitha told her.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” she said, already turning to leave. Before she could stop herself, she added, “You’re not my mother.”

She heard a sharp crack and felt the familiar weight of her whip wrapped around her wrist.

“You left this,” Tabitha said. “In a hurry last night, were you?”

Selina whirled around and glared. She pulled on her end but Tabitha tightened the whip around Selina’s wrist.

“Sit down,” Tabitha said again, not a request. She waited until Selina loudly dragged a chair out from under the table and sat with a huff, slouching. “You’re damn right I’m not your mother. Your mother fucking left. I’m here and there’s no way I’m going to let you out of my sight without giving you a good talking to first.”

“What’s she doing here?” Selina asked, pointing her chin at Barbara.

“She -” The crease in Tabitha’s forehead lessened, making her look less angry and more confused. “Actually, no idea.”

Barbara waved a hand. “Oh, don’t mind me. This is much more important. Pretend I’m not here.”

They both rolled their eyes at Barbara.

“Can we make this quick?”

Tabitha pulled Selina out of her chair with the whip still around her wrist. Her mouth was set in a hard line. “I will take as long as I damn well please, Selina,” she gritted out, then let the whip slacken. “One, I will not have you getting knocked up by some billionaire brat. Safe sex always, Selina.”

Selina felt her face heat up and she had difficulty keeping eye contact with either of her mentors. “Okay, great talk,” she mumbled. “Can I go now?”

“No. Your heart, Selina,” both Tabitha and Barbara said. They glanced at each other uneasily.

Barbara leaned forward, chin cupped in her hand. “Do you know how many girls I’ve seen Bruce Wayne leave my club with?”

“It’s just sex,” she responded, prickling at the idea that there were feelings involved - that they knew there were feelings involved. She saw them exchange looks when her voice almost imperceptibly wavered.

“Oh, my dear,” Barbara tsked. “Maybe for him. Teenage boys think with their dicks, not with their heads. And rich teenage boys think they can just throw money at their problems.”

Selina knew Bruce had just come out of a phase, but he had his old morals back. He wasn’t like that. She opened her mouth to tell Barbara she despised the implication that Bruce was going to knock her up and “throw money” at her to make it go away, but Barbara wasn’t done.

“And rich teenage boys who’ve killed an immortal being and emancipated themselves and fired their oldest and closest friend slash butler and partied for weeks on end and basically have an entire mansion to themselves?” Barbara shrugged mockingly. “Who knows what they’re capable of.”

Tabitha couldn’t help it. Her eyes rolled on their own whenever Barbara spoke. “This is Bruce Wayne we’re talking about,” she said, sounding normal, if exasperated, and not like an old witch foretelling Selina’s future doom. She loosened the whip and set her end down on the table. Their eyes met and what Selina saw there made her finally look away. Bruce wasn’t the only one giving her feelings. “Like with everything else, be safe and guard your heart, which you already know.”

“Anything else?” Selina’s voice had finally lost its edge.

“Tell the kid I’ll kick his ass if he does anything stupid.”

Tabitha smirked and Selina lifted her head a little. “ _When_  he does something stupid,  _I’ll_  kick his ass.” The tension broke.

The doorbell rang and Selina got up to answer, Tabitha and Barbara following behind. She signed for a small package addressed to her.

“What is it?” Barbara looked over her shoulder.

Selina unwrapped it and opened the rectangular box. Inside lay a simple knife with a note attached.

_Sorry about Alfred. -B_


End file.
